


Harry Potter: Wizard-of-all-Trades

by sarahreads



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Adventuring, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Care of Magical Creatures, F/M, Fluff, M/M, One Shot Collection, acquisitions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-17
Updated: 2015-10-23
Packaged: 2018-04-04 18:45:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4148775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarahreads/pseuds/sarahreads
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry Potter is into acquisitions, problem-solving, and general for-hire activities. Often times these jobs become rewarding misadventures. Often times he drags his friends into the action.</p><p>This is a series of one-shots.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Luna Says

"Harry," Ron Weasley asked, breathing heavily as he leaned against a tree and mopped his brow on his flannel sleeve. "Not to beat a bludger flat, but what in Merlin's beard are we doing out here?"

"I explained all this yesterday, Ron," Harry Potter said as he swished his wand and cleared a bit more of the forest path to forage on. "Luna said-"

"My point exactly!" Ron said, standing abruptly with his arms gestured widely in triumph. "All of our worst adventures begin with 'Luna said' followed by occurrences terrible, horrible, occasionally painful and nightmare inducing, and more often than not including some form of bodily fluids that I prefer to remain inside a being instead of outside on me."

"That's not true," Harry protested, pausing in his fieldwork to face his friend. "I do believe the phrase 'Snape strongly suggested' has led us to an equal number of misadventures at this point. At least Luna's are interesting and exciting. Snape’s are just gross." He paused to consider. “And Neville’s are a surprising challenge and fiscally rewarding,” Harry added thoughtfully.

"Why is it we never follow up on the leads Hermione suggests?" Ron asked, swishing his own wand to stupify a snake as it lunged from a tree branch.

"Above our pay grade," Harry said firmly, swishing once more and then beamed triumphantly. "Ha, this map was perfect!"

Ron gaped in disbelief. "We didn't even follow Luna's map! It made no sense. The swirls and circles and haikus..." He looked over Harry's shoulder to study it again. "Blimey, that really was the trail..."

"Now the fun part." Harry stuffed the map in his extendable pocket and pulled out a hat he'd picked up on a trip to Australia that had reminded him of Indiana Jones. He plopped it on his head and grinned.

"Fun, he says," Ron groaned. "I hate this part. Why do I even come with you on these trips? You only bring me along to act as bait."

Harry blinked and smiled sheepishly.

Ron scowled and folded his arms over his chest. "Seriously? For fuck's sake, Harry, I didn't mean it! I'm not bloody bait for magical creatures!" He pointed his finger strongly at the man he considered a brother. "No, your bloody crup eyes will not work on me, I'm immune!"

"Now Ron-"

"No! No, now Ron!"

"Ron," Harry continued. "All you have to do it distract the Graphorn for just a few moments while I raid its nest. In, out, and we’re done in . . . ten minutes."

"Why can't you distract it and I'll be the one to gather up everything this time?"

"Bosnia?"

"Seriously? Why do you always have to bring that up? You know that wasn't my fault at all. If you hadn't invited Malfoy along-"

"Ron! I didn't invite Draco, he invited himself because - look, we're getting off topic. I just need you to distract it."

"Won't be necessary anymore, mate," Ron said suddenly, pointing. "I think it's dead."

"Wait, what?" Harry frowned and turned around to face the clearing and shaded his eyes. Sure enough there was a Graphorn on the far side lying still and in an oddly unnatural way in front of a nest of dead leaves. "Huh," Harry said, slowly stepping forward. "How odd. I can't say any of Luna's tips has ever proven so easy before."

Ron groaned.

"What?" Harry didn't bother to face Ron, rolling his eyes at the melodrama.

"You had to jinx it, mate. We're going to die now."

"We are not going to die."

"It's going to be epic and worthy of a tale, I'm sure, but we'll be too dead to share it."

Harry knelt in front of the Graphorn's body, not wasting any time in pulling out his various storage kits and filling them with parts of the magical creature, including its horns, tail hairs, and filling vials of its blood and other easily accessible parts. He had just wandered over to the nest and made a pleased sound as he picked up an unbroken egg when he felt Ron tense beside him. 

"Harry, what can kill a Graphorn?”

Harry shrugged. "Not too many things, I would assume. Something big, dark, and scary? I know trolls really like them. Love them to death according to Rolf."

"Giants?"

Harry shrugged again and padded the egg with bits of the nest and other bits of broken egg shells. "Sure."

"Like that one?"

Harry groaned. Ron had Luna’s tips pegged to a tee.

###

It was only thirty minutes later (though it felt like hours had passed) that had the two wizards sitting comfortably in the shade on a ripped up tree stump drinking tea in the kind of companionable silence that only two people who really know each other can share.

"Seems like this trip proved more gainful that we originally estimated!" Harry said, breaking the quiet.

Ron merely grunted and threw a stick at Harry, missing by inches. 

"Just think about the added generosity our good friend Mr. Giant has given you as a well earned bonus." Harry smiled, nudging Ron encouragingly and offering a winsome smile. "Picture it now! That perfect engagement ring."

Ron scowled and glared at Harry as he wiped the blood off his forehead with his ripped flannel sleeve. "I claimed the horns."

Harry drew back. "What? No! We agreed fifty-fifty!"

"I need your help, Ron! It'll be easy, Ron! I promise, not like the other times!"

"It wasn't Bosnia," Harry added helpfully.

Ron laughed. "Fine. But you owe me! Like really, really owe me!"

"That's my friend!" Harry beamed, bopping Ron on the shoulder. "Let's collect the last of these ingredients and then head back to civilization."

"Mafoy should be over the moon," Ron said sneakily, giving Harry a sideways glance.

Harry blushed and reached his hand into the belly of the Graphorn. "Draco? Nah, I mean...he'll be excited, sure..."

"So who was the acquisition for then?" Ron asked. "You never said."

Harry's blushed brightened considerably.

Ron scowled. "Damn it, Harry! This isn't a job! This is some...some...romantic courting gesture!" He dropped down on his knees and held his hands up in a cup. "Oh, Malfoy! I just knew how much you really wanted some Graphorn to experiment on and I just happened to have some here in my cupboard. You'd be doing me just the grandest favor if you take these incredibly rare, absurdly expensive potions ingredients off my hands since there's no way I can get a fair price on the market," Ron said in a high-pitched, sappy voice.

"I don't sound like that!" Harry protested, waving around his bloody hand before dropping the organ into the container. "And it is so a job! I have a buyer and everything!" He sighed. "Honestly, whatever Draco doesn't want Snape will buy from me at least."

Ron stood up and held his hands against his mouth in shock. "Oh, Potter! You don't know what this means to me! You know what the thought of rare potions ingredients does to me." Ron tilted his chin up mockingly in a way shockingly similar to the blond pureblood.

Harry bit his lip. "Draco would kill you if I showed him this memory."

Ron ignored him and put the back of his hand dramatically against his temple as he fell back and rested against the body of the petrified giant like a damsel in distress. "Oh, Potter! I am overcome! You simply must allow me to reward you in some way!" He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Harry looked hopeful. "Do you really think he would?"

Ron's face froze in horror. "Harry, I really don't want to know. Promise me you won't tell me."

Harry laughed. Luna always had the best tips.


	2. Neville Says

"Harry, did you know that a Blint Tongued Mole Hopper actually prefers to live alone rather than find a mate?"

"Really?," Harry answered as he followed Luna into the cave. “I suppose I could understand that if their mates have blint tongues as well.”

"That’s what I was thinking," Luna added thoughtfully as she looked up from her book. "It's quite dark in here."

"We're in a cave," Harry said dryly. He cast a wordless _Lumos_ and held his now glowing wand over the parchment map. "Neville said the moss he needs should be up ahead and if we're lucky there should be a colony of those flimptery-"

"Flimmerty," Luna corrected.

"Right, Flimmerty Boppers nearby since they enjoy the insects that live in the moss." Harry smiled. "One stop, two acquisitions!"

Luna merely hummed. "This doesn't seem quite right."

Harry tensed. "No! It's fine! Neville said! Neville's tips are always spot on, easy in and out, and highly profitable."

Luna shrugged. "I just think this habitat is more suited to creatures that might perhaps be a bit more formidable than Flimmerty Backed Snorks. They prefer a bit more light and heat.”

Harry managed to maintain his strained smile by sheer force of will. “I’m sure it will be fine. But just in case, perhaps you should wait here?”

Luna tucked her own glowing wand behind her ear and pulled out some Weasley Wizard Wheezes contraption from her pocket. Harry stepped out of its direct line of fire and then considered and stepped a bit further over. “Nonsense, Harry, I’m perfect capable of defending you.”

“I’m sure I’m equally capable,” Harry assured his odd friend.

“Be reasonable, Harry, you’ve died at least three times in the past decade. I’m sure you would qualify as Undead by now, but Hermione assures me she’s checked and you aren’t.” Luna bit her tongue and wrangled with the contraption.

“Careful - wait, Undead? What do you mean Hermione’s checked?” Harry was offended of course. As one of his best friends she could have just asked. Surely he would know?

“Now Neville actually agrees with me,” Luna continued, oblivious to the consternation on Harry’s face. “He thinks you qualify as Undead since Voldemort killed you and you actually rose from the dead. Of course, by that logic you may well have been Undead since you first survived the Killing Curse as a baby since no one was there to see if you actually died and rose from the dead or just lived through the entire experience.”

Harry felt faintly sick as he considered. “Well, this is all very fascinating and I will take it into consideration. Shall we continue on?” He was never allowing Luna to accompany him again.

“Ha!” A cloud of thick black smoke erupted from the end of the WWW product and quickly filled the small tunnel. “Oh dear,” Harry heard from his side. He frowned, realizing it was so completely dark he couldn’t even see his glowing wand.

“Luna? What is that?”

“Darkness powder. I’m not sure, there are so many buttons on this thing.”

Something roared down the tunnel. “Oh, Hufflepuff’s tit, what was that?”

“Language, Harry,” Luna’s calm voice sounded from somewhere nearby. “Sounds like a Sphinx to me. Rolf has them on his Flying Magical Creatures record he likes to play when he meditates.”

“Rolf mediates to Sphinx roars?” Harry asked skeptically.

“They can be quite soothing,” Luna assured him.

“Well, I suppose we should still continue,” Harry decided after a minute of contemplation. “The moss is still supposed to be down this tunnel and even if your flimptery boppers-”

“Flimmerty Backed Snorks,” Luna corrected.

“-are not residing here, Snape’s I-Promise-Not-To-Kill-You-This-Week list has Sphinx parts on it and I’m a little behind…”

“Oh, riddles!”

“Perfect!” Harry said, sounding relieved.

“You’ll have so much fun!” Luna continued. “Do tell me how it goes. I’ve always wanted to engage in a vigorous riddle battle with a Sphinx.”

Harry grew still. “Aren’t you...coming with me?”

“Oh no, Harry, I couldn’t do that,” Luna told him, sounding scandalized in the pitch darkness. “My device is no longer functioning. And really, with you being Undead now, I’m so glad you agree with me on this-”

“Luna, I’m not Undead!”

“This is all very confusing if you keep changing your mind. It’s perfectly acceptable to be Undead, Harry.”

“Luna-”

“And in any case, I’m sure you’ll be fine. I am just going to wait here and try and fix this box. I’m testing it you know, for Fred and George. They promised me a 10 Galleon gift certificate if I reviewed it properly for them in the Quibbler.”

Harry sighed. “Rolf’s outside isn’t he?”

Luna’s silence was answer enough. He heard a strange rustle.

"Luna, please tell me you aren't taking off your robes?"

The rustling stopped. "I'm not very good at lying directly, Harry."

Harry tensed as arms came around his waist. “Rolf, Luna’s about four paces to your right.”

The arms around Harry’s waist tensed as well. “Oh, uh...right. Sorry, Harry.”

“No worries,” Harry assured Luna’s bondmate. The arms released him and Harry heard Luna giggle. Harry shut his eyes, completely unnecessary in the darkness. “I’ll just continue on then. And you both…” Harry coughed. “Right.”

Harry had to admit the new and improved Darkness Powder the twins were developing was certainly much more potent than the version they’d invented four years prior. He walked at least ten minutes before he managed to stumble blinking from the cloud. He brushed off the lingering powder on his clothes and hair, grumbling all the while, and then he pulled out his kangaroo leather hat and plopped it on his head with a scowl Hermione called “adorable” and caused Draco to laugh hysterical.

He fished around his expandable pocket until he found Neville’s map, casting a reliable tracking charm on it to see his progress. According to the map the moss Neville wanted was supposed to be on the other side of the Sphinx. Harry scowled at the map, certain that the creature hadn’t appeared on it before. Neville certainly hadn’t mentioned anything about it.

An hour later, Harry was feeling extremely upset regarding Neville’s tip after stumbling through a pixie patch and stepping on a Bundimun (Neville owed him a new pair of Dragonhide boots). Though he was pleased to find a nest of Flitterbys. Draco would be pleased.

Finally, bruised, battered, and somewhat naked himself, Harry found the Sphinx. It was quite majestic.The Sphinx preened a little at Harry’s obvious appreciation.

“Well aren’t you just a beaut!” Harry enthused. He fished around in his extended pocket until he found his lunch container. He’s created it to keep a long-term cooling and preservation charm on it and just kept a small stock of perishables on hand for those certain adventures that didn’t go quite to plan. Opening it, he pulled out a tuna fish sandwich and offered it to the creature. It opened its jaw and carefully took the sandwich into its mouth, purring slightly.

"Thank you," the Sphinx said, smiling slightly.

"Any time," Harry replied, wiping his hands off on what was left of his shirt. He moved to step around the creature with the head of a human and the body of lion and suddenly a magnificent wing spread out in front of him, blocking the way.

Harry quickly stepped back and smiled easily at the creature. "I'm sorry, but would you mind just moving your wing slightly and I'll just squeeze on by..."

The Sphinx roared loudly in Harry's face, covering him in spit and slobber.

Harry stood still in shock, utterly horrified. "Oh, gross! And I smell like tuna." He shook his arms and spit dripped off. "This is a Neville trip! Neville's trips are supposed to be paradise and sunshine and just a little dirt and vicious man-eating, poisonous, very expensive plants!" he whined. Harry swore the Sphinx smirked at him.

"How about another sandwich?" he cajoled? Twenty-seven sandwiches later, a vigorous belly rub (given to the lion, not Harry of course), and a bedtime story, Harry was relaxing against the cave wall with a lion draped over him as he chatted to the human head.

"So then, there we were, two doors and the empty space between and no where to go but forward, knowing there was a trap behind both doors."

"What did you do?" the Sphinx asked.

"Me? Nothing. Ron and I start discussing what to do and then Draco just casually walks up to the door and knocked!"

"No!"

"I know!"

###

"Harry!" Neville enthused as he opened the bag filled with magical blue moss. "There's so much of it!"

Harry brushed the bruise on his jaw and winced. "Right then, I'll just be off."

"I'll have the goblins transfer the funds," Neville promised, carrying the bag into Greenhouse Number Seven.

Harry waved halfheartedly and disapparated.

There was a note on the counter when he got home.

_Went to the lab, home for dinner. D._

Harry glanced at the clock on the wall and grinned. He placed one petrified Flitterby on the note and went off to the study to owl Snape three golden Sphinx feathers.


	3. Bill Says

"Harry, you're friends with Professor Snape, right?"

Harry snorted into his drink.

"Sure, Bill, rub it in."

"What, Ron? What did I say?"

Harry rolled his eyes and nodded at Ron's questioning look.

Ron almost visibly straightened as the table of Weasleys and their extensive family additions turned their full attention on him. Ron thrived on this kind of captive audience. "Well, you see, one might call the relationship between Snape and our Harry here as one of reci-... reci-..." He scrunched up his nose and looked at Hermione.

"Reciprocity," Hermione answered, not looking up from her book.

Ron snapped and pointed at her. "Precisely!" He beamed at his family, waiting for them to get the idea. After a solid minute of stares he blinked.

"And?" Bill prodded.

Ron threw his hands up. "And, the point is, that anything they want from the other has to be returned in kind."

Bill turned to Harry and raised an eyebrow. "So, Harry, you're friends with Professor Snape, right?"

###

Harry leaned against the counter and smiled winningly at the goblin behind the counter. "Fabianuk, my friend. May your enemies suffer mercilessly!"

The goblin grunted and stamped the document in front of him, his long fingers curled around the wooden handle. "Mr. Potter, how may we assist today?"

"Funny you should ask, but I do believe I have an exchange to offer your fine nation that may provide both of us with mutual benefits." Harry leaned further towards the goblin and winked knowingly before placing a small chunk of metal on the counter in front of him.

Fabianuk folded his hands in front of him and peered closely at the object. He frowned and picked it up and then scowled. "What have you done?"

Harry held up his hands innocently. "Given to me like that, I swear! However, I just so happen to know someone who knows the counter curse."

Fabianuk sighed and rubbed his temples. "Mr. Potter, each and every time you come into this bank-"

"I make us both oodles of gold?" Harry cut in sweetly.

Fabianuk looked unimpressed but Harry could see a slight toothy smile. The goblin took out a small sign and read "Next window" and placed it on the counter. "Follow me."

"You say that every time, yet you know how mad you get when I hop over the counter."

The room Harry entered was familiar by now with lush carpets and more metal than a dentist office. Harry sat in what he thought of as "his chair" and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "So, I take it there is interest?"

Fabianuk tinkered with the small chunk of metal. "I am certain I can get one of our hired wizards to unshrink this and it will be considerably cheaper."

Harry held up a finger. "Wait! I knew you would say that." He fished around his expandable pocket until he found a folded slip of paper which he handed to the goblin.

Fabianuk took the paper and frowned at it. "It is blank."

"To everyone but me. The wizard charmed the paper to hide the counterspell from everybody but me, but it will only become visible once I complete my part of the bargain to him. And if another tries to disable the curse the paper will burn and the spell becomes permanent. To release that, I will need something from you in return."

"What you are asking is for something in exchange for the Anvil of Ugger," the goblin stated, holding up the metal, "as well as something for the counterspell which is conveniently available here," he added, holding up the paper. "Or, seeing as how the anvil already belongs to the goblin nation we could just take it from you and correct this grievance on our own, in which case you receive...nothing." The goblin shrugged.

Harry nodded. "You could do that, however, I am the original owner."

Silence met Harry's proclamation.

###

"There, Aunt Wilhem's portrait, straight from the goblin's impound lot," Harry told Gregory Goyle. Greg nodded solemnly and handed Harry a bag that was quickly tucked away. Harry tipped his kangaroo hat in thanks.

###

"As promised, in exchange for the spells, Uncle Fran's pocket watch," Harry told Blaise Zabini. Zabini rolled his eyes and gave Harry a package wrapped in oil skin. Harry tipped his hat.

###

"Potter, this is blue!"

"Pansy, it's purple. It said so on the label and the designer in Paris swore to me it is exactly the same as the one in the catalogue you showed me," Harry protested, holding the dress up against himself. "See how fetching?"

Pansy frowned. "I don't know, Potter. I think I have to see it worn." Her smile wasn't kind exactly.

Harry sighed. Slytherins.

###

"Do you know what this is?"

"Yes Hermione."

"I mean, do you _really_?"

"Yep."

"I've been looking for a copy since I first saw a reference to it in _Hogwarts: A history._ How did you get it? Please sell it to me, Harry, I'll do anything!"

"Well, actually, there is something..."

###

"Potter, if you dare bleed on my floor..."

###

"Bill!" Harry beamed, not quite managing to hide his desperation. "You have to take it now!"

"Harry?" Bill blinked awake and frowned. "You're awfully close there." He blinked again. "What time is it?"

"Dark," Harry said, waving a hand to dismiss the question as absurd. "I got it. You need to take it now though."

"Bill, what is 'Arry doing in our chambers?" Fleur sat up, holding the sheet against her chest.

"A good question," Bill said, starting to sound angry. He studied Harry in concern, taking in the manic look and ragged appearance. "What have you been doing?"

"I told you! I got it!"

Bill froze. "You got it?"

"And you have to take it _now_."

Bill paled. "Oh, Merlin. Now?"

Harry nodded and Bill gulped.

"Bill! What is 'appening?" Fleur asked in a tone that had Harry stepping away from the bed. 

"I'll just...wait for you downstairs?"

Harry was pacing frantically as he eyed his wristwatch. It was almost five minutes later that Bill finally appeared, looking equally frantic. Bill hugged Harry hard, lifting him off the floor. Harry patted the redhead's shoulder awkward. "There there."

Bill sniffed. "She said yes!"

"You didn't bloody ask her before!" Harry asked, scandalized. "Bloody hell, mate. You can't just spring something like this on a woman."

"No time! She said yes! We're having a baby!"

Harry rolled his eyes and straightened his dirty t-shirt, frowning a little as he saw his finger poking through a hole near the hem. Not entirely unexpected since his job was a little rough on his wardrobe, but that didn't mean he was happy about it. He reached into his extended pocket and withdrew a vial glowly an ethereal blue. He handed it to Bill with a wicked smirk. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

Bill looked green. "I've heard stories. I think we're safe from ever even getting close to that line."

"Stories?" Harry asked, intrigued.

Bill took the cork out and swallowed the potion quickly. "From Luna."

"Luna! She has sex in caves!"

Bill pointed at Harry with the empty bottle. "Exactly. If she's scandalized then it must be bad." He handed the bottle back to Harry. "Getting hot in here. I trust you can see yourself out? I'll transfer payment in the morning."

Harry grinned and waved goodbye. Once outside, he looked into his pocket, cataloguing the trail of "breadcrumbs" he'd collected and traded for on his little adventure. He still had a few bargains to fulfill but overall it was a decent haul. But for now, it was time to do a little trading at home.


	4. Hermione Begs

"It's so nice we're doing this, Harry, I hardly see you these days," Hermione said as she opened her menu to peruse her options.

Harry nodded genially and smiled. "You work too much. All those mysteries and whatnot."

"Nonsense," Hermione stated and then smiled at the waitress. "The salmon special, thank you." She handed the waitress her menu.

"The usual?" the waitress asked Harry. He pointed his finger at her and clicked his tongue, winking.

"Come here often?" asked Hermione, raising her brow.

"Occasionally. It's quick and close to the lab."

Hermione leaned forward slowly. "Speaking of labs, I happened to overhear-"

Harry coughed and cleared his throat loudly. Hermione waited patiently, filling up the small water glass in front of him and handing him the cup.

"Sorry," Harry said, putting the glass back down. "You were saying?"

"Oh, it's not important," Hermione said, biting her lip.

The waitress brought their meals and Harry dug in. He frowned as Hermione picked at her food. 

"Not hungry?"

Hermione quickly took a big bite and hummed. "Delicious," she told him smiling. "How is yours?"

"Always up for curry!" 

Hermione tried on her best charming smile. "Speaking of, uh... food," she began.

"Food?" Harry asked skeptically.

"My boss just happened to mention," she continued stubbornly, "there is this new rumor going about."

Harry nodded. "Rumor, right." He took another bite, keeping his green eyes focused on his friend.

Hermione waited for a moment and then continued. "About this fascinating new artifact. It would be simply amazing to see."

"I'm sure," Harry agreed. "When are you and Ron moving in together again?"

Hermione blinked, caught off guard for a moment. "Next month. As I was saying, this artifact, that is _fascinating_ and _amazing_ would be such a unique opportunity if one happened to get a chance to study it," she stressed. “If only it wasn’t so hard to get to.” She leaned forward. She knew Harry couldn’t resist a challenge.

"Got your bedroom set all picked out yet? Curtains and indoor plants?"

"Yes, of course," Hermione bit out, putting down her fork. "Harry, are you-"

"No."

Hermione frowned. "No?"

"No. No a thousand times."

Hermione quietly banged her fist on the table. "That's not fair, Harry, you didn't even give me a chance to tell you about the _Teapot of A Thousand Dreams_! Seriously, the Department of Mysteries, Merlin, _even I_ , would give you practically anything you want for a chance to study it! Just the opportunity to see it and hold it and understand it and uncover its potential!"

Harry blushed bright red. " _Hermione!_ ” he exclaimed, sounding scandalized as he held his napkin in front of himself protectively. 

Hermione froze solid in shock, her mouth agape. "What? No! Harry! I didn't mean-"

Harry held a finger up and refused to look her in the face. "No, not another word. What would Draco think? Or Ron? No, we shall not speak of this any further."

“But.” Harry held both hands up to silence her. Hermione nodded glumly and began to eat again.

###

Draco laughed hard enough he fell off his lab stool. Snape rolled his eyes and waved his wand, putting Draco's potion into stasis.

"Seriously? She fell for that?"

"I always assumed Miss Granger had more intellect than the common Gryffindor. Pity," Snape echoed, stirring his own potion counter-clockwise.

Harry grinned, suggestively licking his ice cream from Fortescue as he winked at Draco. Draco stopped laughing and glanced at the clock.

"Four more hours, Mr. Malfoy."

Draco sighed. "Why did I want to be a Potions Master again?"

Harry shrugged. "Maybe you should ask the ‘Teapot of a Thousand Dreams’? It's already in my vault. Useless bit of rubbish. If I wait a month until they get desperate enough they'll up the offer to have me go "rescue" it from whatever hell they think it's in."

Draco practically purred. "That's so...Slytherin of you."

Snape threw a handful bat guts at him. "Please keep your bedroom voice out of the lab. This is a professional environment."

Harry gave his ice cream another long suggestive lick and grin as Draco buried his face into his arms.

###

“Harry!”

“No.”

"Please?"

"No."

"Just listen-"

"No."

Hermione rolled her eyes. “Honestly, Harry, I don’t beg you to take up acquisitions for the Ministry every time I see you.”

Harry let the top of the Daily Prophet fall back so Hermione could see the skepticism on his face.

Hermione chewed her bottom lips. “Surely not every time?”

Harry sighed. He waited, watching his best friend fidget nervously. Finally, he put the paper aside and Hermione squealed. 

“Bloody hell, Hermione!”

“Sorry,” she said, clearly not meaning it. “Now, you’ll be super excited about this one. It’s actually someone we need to you fetch.”

Harry frowned and stood. “‘Mione, I’m not a ruddy kidnapper! That’s what Aurors are for!”

Hermione waved her hand negligently. “Pish posh, it’s not a kidnapping. It is a small child, yes, but you see it’s a magical prodigy, and a seer, and the child’s mother is a squib and lives rather remotely in the mountains.”

Harry gripped the bridge of his nose and put his other hand on his hip. “There aren’t any mountains in Britain.”

“Are you feeling alright, Harry? You’re usually quicker than this. The child lives in Romania but the mother is a British citizen and her husband was . . . Polish I believe, but he passed away and so the child falls under our Ministry’s jurisdiction. She just needs someone to pop on over and bring the child here to stay with the child’s aunt, who works in the Department of Mysteries with me. I told her you were perfect for the job.”

Harry paced. “This sounds too easy. What’s the catch?”

Hermione looked so innocent. “Well, you can’t apparate in the region and there is no Floo access. Like I said, it’s really remote.”

“And?”

Hermione fidgeted. “Nothing else! Easy as pie.”

“Pie is hard, Hermione! You don't even cook so how would you know?”

Hermione smiled. “It'll be easy. You'll see."

###

Harry knocked again. “Missus Fissertibusy! It’s Harry Potter? The British Ministry of Magic sent me?”

Nothing stirred on the mountain but the mud as the rain continued to drop heavily. Finally, when he was about to just open the obviously unlocked door to the small mountain cabin, the door opened to reveal the tired face of a prematurely-grey-haired woman who eyed him suspiciously.

Harry smiled and held his hands up. “Hello, ma’am? Mrs. Fissertibusy, I presume? That’s a lovely shotgun. Simply lovely. Do you have a moment? Maybe just the two of us? No...uh...deadly weapons between?”

“I dun told me sister she’s a cracked knob looby from all them experiments and she ain’t taking in me kid! She be fine as she is!”

Harry blinked. “Oh, um. I was told everything was agreed upon. I’m just the escort service.” He stepped back quickly as the gun rose. “Not that kind of service! More like a courier! For people. Like on an airplane?” 

She spit to the side.

“Ma, I told you Mr. Potter was coming today. Auntie Pansy said he is going to escort me to London and then I’ll be better. You can still come too.”

Harry frowned at the adult-sounding words coming from a little girl he guessed was maybe five or six years old. “Pansy Parkinson?”

The woman spit again. She looked up at the sky again and cackled. “Getting dark. Should 'ave come earlier.”

Harry looked up and received a eye full of rainwater for his efforts. He blinked and rubbed his eyes. “How can you tell? It’s been pouring since I started climbing up this mountain this morning.”

Mrs. Fissertibusy tapped the side of her nose. “I knows!” She cackled again. 

“Well that was...creepy.” Harry muttered. He looked around. “Maybe I can stay here tonight and we can head down in the morning? I have a tent. I can just camp out over there?” He pointed to a clear spot a reasonable distance from the cabin.

The girl looked at him with creepy blue eyes in a face Harry would have linked to Pansy Parkinson anywhere. She looked absolutely nothing like her mother and appeared to be a mini clone of the dark-haired Slytherin.. "That would be poor planning. You should stay in here."

Harry smiled and stepped back as Mrs. Fissertibusy's own dark eyes narrowed suspiciously, daring him to come inside. He swallowed and hiked his pack up higher. "No thank you. Outside will be fine."

The girl shrugged. "Suit yourself. You may want to set up some strong wards. We have a hive of vampires just over the ridge and it's a full moon tonight."

Harry groaned internally. Of course there were and it was. "Will do, thank you for the reminder. Would you like me to set wards up here as well?"

The girl and her mother looked at Harry as if he was the cracked knobbed looby and not Pansy Parkinson. "And let them folk know aut we been 'ere? Daft," Mrs. Fissertibusy declared. She gestured for him to step off the porch with the shotgun. "Come back in the morn. She'll be ready." She spit and shut the door in his face.

The next morning dawned too bright and too early for Harry’s comfort after a restless night listening to the hypnotising wiles of the Carpathian vampires and the chilling howls of the mountain werewolves.To make the night even better, Harry discovered his faithful tent had a leak, which the charms to enlarge the inside of the tent turned the tiny dropped into an indoor waterfall. 

Harry quickly repacked his spacious, wet, damaged, soggy, ungracious wizard tent and then clomped up the rickety wooden steps of the cabin to knock on the door feeling less excited about his adventure than usually and wishing for a strong cuppa.

The little girl with her creepy eyes stepped out with her own bulging bag and shut the door behind her. Apparently Mrs. Fissertibusy was not coming out to say her goodbyes. Harry took the bag and stuffed it into his own with all its extendable charms and then pulled out his leather hat and placed it firmly on his head. “We’re off!” he declared.

And then Harry learned he had never truly known fear before.

“Maybe you shouldn’t be climbing that tree. You know, because it’s hanging over a sheer drop of 1,000 kilometers and a raging river of death.”

“Girl…..slow down. Don’t run down the mountain! There are no guard rails keeping you from the afterlife.”

“Little Pansy, that is not a kitten. That is a mountain lion. Please stop petting it.”

“WHERE WERE YOU HIDING A KNIFE THAT BIG?”

“No, we do not need to hunt for dinner, I brought plenty to eat……..No, that does not mean you get to keep the rabbit as a pet.”

“Get out of that cave this instant! Don’t make me count to three!”

Harry sagged against the boulder and wiped the sweat on his forehead off with his sleeve. Girls were supposed to be easy to watch. Hell, camping with Teddy-the-two-year-old-terror was easier than this. 

“Mr. Harry, I made another friend!”

Harry groaned and covered his face.

###

Pansy Parkinson glared at Harry as the demon raced past them. “I know where my room is, I’ll go look! Thanks, Uncle Harry! You’re the bestest!”

“Potter, please explain.” Pansy stared at the large, floppy-eared rabbit in her arms. Her nose wrinkled.

“Uh…” Harry sighed, and then shrugged, handing over the child’s bag. He still didn’t know her name. “Well, your sister said hello.”

Pansy snorted. “You’re a terrible liar.” 

Harry grinned. “Dinner next week still on? Draco’s already written up the menu.”

“Of course, darling. Kisses!” She flashed him a dangerous smile and shut the door.

###


	5. Gringotts Says

Story 5: Gringotts Says

Harry Potter strolled into Gringotts and doffed his kangaroo leather hat to the goblin positioned by the front doors as he removed it to stuff into his extended pocket. “Bromhilde, you look positively menacing today.”

If a goblin could blush... instead, Bromhilde the Ferocious gave Harry a fangy smile in return. “Mr. Potter,” she greeted.

Harry stepped inside the marble building and stopped to make small talk with Rook, one of the premier financial advisors Gringotts had to offer and the goblin Harry was heavily lobbying in his free time to convince the genius to take on the Potter-Black accounts. Even with the ministry restitution accounts paying much of the damages, Harry’s accounts had become significantly smaller after paying his own fines to the bank. Still, he’d worked hard to make them flush again and he was hoping he’d managed to impress the shrewd goblin with his financial acuity. 

He was just getting ready to take the plunge and ask the goblin to a business dinner when Gringotts, the sixth or seventh Harry thought, approached with a serious look in his eyes. 

“Mr. Potter, you are early.”

Harry allowed himself a sheepish smile. “Guilty. I was actually hoping to run into Rook, here, and the timing worked out in my favor for once.”

Harry saw the moment the greedy gleam lit in Rook’s eyes and he wanted to fist pump the air. Hook, line, sinker! “Sire, I have no wish to hold up your appointment with Mr. Potter. Perhaps we can continue our discussion over dinner later this week? I’ve been promising my bondmate a dinner at Lochenso’s.”

Internally, Harry winced. Lochenso’s was the most expensive restaurant in Diagon Alley and it took months to get a reservation normally. Still, Harry had done some herb picking work for the head chef in some rather dangerous locals and he had an open table any time he wanted with the understanding he wouldn’t abuse it too much. Harry smiled and offered his fist-over-chest to the goblin. “Sounds like an excellent idea. I will owl you with the details. My partner will be delighted.”

Rook gave a loud bellow of a laugh that froze everyone in the bank in shock for a moment before he gave Harry a hardy fist to the shoulder to send Harry on his way. Harry stumbled a bit but gave the goblin a cheeky grin in response.

It was another half hour before Harry found him ensconced in a richly appointed office, but that was understandable when half the goblins Harry passed along the way wanted to wish Harry financial growth and smite to his enemies. He gave Bill Weasley a jaunty wave from across the hall.

“So, business,” Harry said once they’d seated themselves and a teenage goblin intern had set down a platter of spiced meats and goblin scotch for Harry and Gringotts the Sixth to enjoy.

Gringotts coughed and shifted almost sheepishly. “Mr. Potter, you owe us nothing any longer-”

“The Potters will always be loyal allies of the Goblin Nation,” Potter interrupted, “so long as our interests continue to align.”

The goblin allowed a fierce toothy grin. “Yessss.” 

“What can I do for you?” Harry asked.

“Mr. Potter, we have a problem.”

“Never a problem, friend, merely an opportunity.”

“Precisely! However, this opportunity is costing us gold.” Gringotts growled and tossed back a mouthful of scotch.

“That is a problem,” Harry agreed, knowing the intricacies of goblin etiquette.

“When the ministry took our bank from us in 1998, there was a skirmish that took place in our mine. A halfblood wizard was killed in a mine cart accident. The problem isn’t the wizard. No ghost arose to haunt us then. But apparently the boy-” The goblin stopped. “Perhaps it would be best to show you.”

###

“Wheeeeeeee!” Harry laughed with his hands in the air as the mine cart precariously hugged the metal rails as it turned a sharp corner. “This is awesome! I’ve never been to this part. It's wonderfully dreadful. Did you see that part whereour cart actually left the track and jumped to the new one? We were airborne!”

"I was there." Bill Weasley looked green and his fingers were white around the edge of the cart. “Harry, please. Don’t lean so far over the side.”

Harry blinked and glanced at Gringotts, who seemed just as confused by his gobliny shrug. “We aren’t that high up, Bill. Look, there’s a ledge about forty feet down.” Harry leaned over and pointed. "We fly higher playing Quidditch."

Bill grabbed the back of Harry’s robes and tugged him back into his seat. “Honestly. Sit down before you get yourself killed.”  
Harry burst into laughter. “Bill, we are wizards. If you fall out just cast a cushioning charm or a lightweight spell on yourself. Would it help if I promise to give you my emergency portkey to St. Mungo’s to hold on to?”

“No,” Bill said mulishly.

They pulled up to a rather imposing looking vault with the numbers 452 on it. “How far down are we?” Harry asked the bank director.

Gringotts gave a toothy grin. “That is confidential.” He put his palm against the door and a goblin Harry hadn’t met before that had followed in a second cart put his hand against the other side. Gringotts put his key in the slot and turned, backing up as the door gave a groaning shriek as it slowly opened.

Harry frowned, looking about. The vault was a disaster. It looked like a drool monster had been let loose. Actually, it looked an awful lot like the playpen Hannah and Neville kept their little tyke trapped in when it came time for a break from their demon’s wild baby energy. Paintings were shredded, the corners chewed on by something with sharp teeth, and something gross was dripping from the majority of the surfaces in the room. Every soft item had been dragged into a corner and a moist-looking nest had been created from the ravages of cloth. “So, your ‘problem’ did all this?’

The goblin that had accompanied them nodded forlornly. “That painting has been in my clan for six hundred and seventy-four years.”

Harry looked at the painting. “It was nice,” he said eventually. From what he could see, it had once shown a pile of bleeding, headless corpses with a fierce looking goblin standing on top holding the head of some king in the air by its black hair.

“There are twenty vaults in this condition,” Gringotts added. “We’ve been fortunate so far that the majority seem to be smaller vaults of goblin owned.”

Harry nodded and struck a pose, his chest out and his fists on his hips. “Well then, we shall just have to take care of your problem!”

###

“Is that a -”

**WOOF!**

“Yes.”

“I didn’t know dogs could become ghosts.”

“It’s a crup,” Bill Weasley added helpfully. 

Harry knelt down and felt cold as the ghost crup licked his face and wagged its forked tail excitedly. “Sup, boy! Who’s a good crup? You are! Yes you are!”

Gringotts rolled his eyes. “Mr. Potter, we are still in public.”

“Sorry, boy, I can’t pet you because you’re, you know, dead. Not to be cheeky about it. Just honest,” Harry told the crup, who barked a few times as if to say, “No big deal, new friend!” And then Harry’s hand rested on the crup’s ghost head. Harry blinked in shock.

Harry straightened and looked at the director. “So, you have a ghost-ish dog?”

“It is haunting the carts!” Gringotts exclaimed, waving a hand out to show the tracks. “For three years now since the boy died. The crup was tied up outside when the family was murdered, and then it wouldn’t eat and eventually it died. And then it appeared here and every time a wizard boy steps into the cart the crup haunts the rails.” The goblin moaned in despair. "It destroys the vaults. It is a menace!"

“I don’t understand? Wouldn’t most wizard children enjoy having a crup along on the wild ride of the Gringotts roller coaster?”

“They would, but this isn’t an ordinary crup, obviously. It has substance like a poltergeist.” Bill Weasley told Harry, letting the ghost crup lick his fingers. “I tried to banish it-”

“Banish it!” Harry interrupted, horrified. He fell to the ground and wrapped his arms around the crup’s neck protectively. “No! Cruppie deserves to live!”

Bill and Gringotts looked simultaneously confused and concerned for Harry’s mental health. “Harry, it’s already dead.” Bill told the wizard.

Harry covered the crup’s ears. “He can hear you,” Harry whispered fiercely.

Gringotts coughed. “Perhaps you would like to take….Cruppie home with you?”

Harry beamed and scratched the dog’s ears. “You hear that, Cruppie? Wanna come home with me? Stop haunting all the railriders away? Leave ancient painting in one piece?"

**WOOF! WOOF!**

As they stood outside with a beaming Harry wearing a leather hat holding a twine leash with a poltergeist crup on the other end, Gringotts loudly thanked Harry for riding Gringotts bank of their haunt while Bill stood off to the side shaking his head with his hands covering his face.

###

Draco bent down and picked up what remained of what was one of a set of the nicest pair of dragonhide boots he’d ever owned. Now it was shredded beyond repair by what looked like extremely sharp tiny teeth. He tipped it over and ectoplasm poured out. Draco’s nose scrunched up.

**"HARRY!”**

###

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoyed it! I might add more chapters in a sequel if inspiration hits but for now I am considering this finished.


End file.
